My relationship world view; negative or pragmatic?

I realise through my candid discussions with newlover how sad it can be to be confronted with someone else’s ‘new paradigm‘ perspective on romantic relationships, like the one I have. The sadness of what he was saying really hit me the other day when we were talking and I wondered if what I say and the beliefs I explore affect people around me who I care about. Not that I presume they do, actually I hadn’t thought of this at all until then, but maybe they do – because they don’t necessarily have the context, and build up that I have, some of what I say may sound negative and cynical. And some would describe it like this but I don’t see it that way.

I am a positive person; I am just a product of my life experience, as we all are. I’m a realist and a pragmatist who likes to learn from her experience and adapt. I want to give myself the best life I can, rather than continually trying to conform to a norm that blatantly isn’t working. I like to imagine other possibilities, and then if I can, create something better.

Isn’t this just plain common sense?! If something isn’t working, to experiment with something different? No point flogging a dead horse as they say. We don’t accept this for loads of other things, so why accept it in a relationship sense? Are we really so completely ‘wedded’ (guffaw) to the false ideal of lifelong loving bliss that we can’t fashion something else? Something that actually works in reality, that truly makes us happy, rather than breaking down and causing heartache as it does for so many people?

And worse – I think this is worse, this false ideal encourages people to spend their whole lives sometimes, searching for something that may not exist for them in reality. I’m not saying love and relationships don’t exist, for sure they do. But far too often, the rhetoric doesn’t even come close to the reality of most peoples lives. We have much work to do in re-evaluating our expectations of relationships, and to make the relationships themselves more flexible to fit what is really happening in our lives;

– We need to bring the romantic love fantasy off its impossibly high pedestal and scrub it down with a huge bucket of warm soapy reality.

I truly believe this could create something better in the long run. And when I say something I actually mean many things – many ways of living and loving that are just as acceptable as eachother. And then we could set up our lives in a practical sense (who lives where and with who e.g. as opposed to the nuclear family unit) to support our new relationship world views and we would all be much better off for it.

I wonder what the alternative possibilities are. Often I have a vision of what things could be like with a bit of effort and support in the right direction – like someone (a potential partner, who doesn’t yet exist or who I haven’t found yet) who wants to explore the exact same thing I am thinking of experimenting with. Though I struggle to assert that- that’s the whole point, its an exploration. Bit of an issue – finding someone to share a journey with if I can’t even assert myself where I’m headed!

Also, if I do meet someone, the idea that our ambitions may align is hard enough to establish initially, but then of course people change – its happening pretty rapidly with me, my wants and needs are changing at the moment at what seems like lightening speed. And someone else’s change too, and they would change in response to one another and to the rest of the world.

Maybe I’m talking myself out of it – maybe it is too complicated and I was being naive. But I am (in spite of what many people may think) an optimist, and I always think of that wonderful Nelson Mandela quote;

‘it always seems impossible until it is done’

…its just takes vision. And an awful lot of scrabbling around in the dark. And experimenting and failing :/

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