Non non monogamy

New lovers name should now be changed to oldlover. He wants to get back with his wife. He cant, but that doesn’t affect the impact it has on me of course. I know we weren’t going out together by any stretch but there was at least something pseudo romantic about our engagement. Its a shift for me and its not pleasant.

I haven’t had as much time for writing recently because I am trying to find more work, and also I have been (as you may be aware) frantically going on dates ostensibly to find a baby father. Though of course what Id really like is a boyfriend I can then have a baby with. But I don’t believe in relationships – rather, all things considered, given my life experience, I believe its too risky a strategy to;
a) expect this
b) rely on it if it in fact appears to be happening.

I am constantly trying to let go, of almost everything that comes my way. I’m only human and letting go of newlover was unpleasant, but I find all things considered I am very good at it these days. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, but with practice it seems easier to forget about it sooner – to put it behind a screen. This screen may be the ‘veil’ I developed after what I thought was my future turned somewhat to shit.

Aside from not having as much time, I also don’t have a desk in my new room. And securing one has been suspiciously elusive of late. I have been busy on gum tree, ebay, the Ikea  website and more and managed to secure some tables to buy or look at. The first one (£15, would have fitted perfectly in my small space) I was due to buy and even got a little chair to go with it so I was ready to go for the next day. Just as I was about to leave to collect it I got a text saying;

‘Tables been sold, sorry’. ‘That’s a bit off’. I replied, ‘We had agreed I would buy it – I even bought a chair to go with it’.

Turns out her daughter had sold it to someone else without her knowing. Another I checked out and it wasn’t the dimensions they put in the ad. And as I was out visiting this too big table I came home to discover another (I now realised far more perfect) one I had been keeping an eye on got sold on ebay literally 20 minutes before I got home. Gah!

I know there isn’t more to it but I can’t help thinking it chimes with the fact that at the moment, I feel slightly like a traitor to the thrust of my blog to date. I have suddenly decided to have a child after being so happy with my freedom. I have suddenly – in the last day pretty much – decided I’m completely fucking sick of men and not interested in loads of dates at all. Now I just want a boyfriend. I know it wont last, I don’t care. I am sick of fucked up or fickle men doing what now feels like using me for all they can get. Offering non-monogamy doesn’t mean ‘take me for all I’m worth and hardly give anything back’ but apparently that’s what it seems to mean to some of the men I’m engaging with at the moment.  (Yes date with Mexico man appeared to be going well and in the end, well – just left me feeling shit & pissed off). I quickly see that many of them are getting much more out of the situation than I am – its like a free ticket to take advantage because they don’t understand the concept of non-monogamy in the same way as me. Maybe it is necessary to demand monogamy from a man so he doesn’t behave in this way? In any case I’ve clocked onto this and its not OK. I thought it would still be possible to find people who wanted to explore non-monogamy and were able to contribute to it in a balanced way and I suppose that is still most likely true, but for the time being I’m bored of it. As a huge disclaimer, the men I am referring to I have met on tinder! So they probably aren’t the best control group. AND there’s one (Mr. Italy Tantra) who is not like this 🙂 Still, I’m pissed off….

Not that I want to get married  or anything – and here’s the thing – there seems no way in my experience, and all the variations of relationship I have tried so far to get my needs met by a partner. I don’t expect them to, hence needing some other kind of family in my life like a child  – and a man who will do in terms of having it with, helping me raise it. And non- attachment, no expectation of this from a man does make my life easier – I expect the disappointment so it can be much easier to let it go. And I know it sounds depressing but all in all, given my reality, it does make me happier.

There’s a joyous post for a Friday morning! Happy weekend all 🙂

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