I can pinpoint the exact day I decided I wanted to have a child. Friday 13th January 2017.
It was precipitated, necessitated by;
a) Sometimes feeling lost, alone and having existential crises in Mexico – for it not being the constant joyous romp I had imagined it would. (Though of course the joy and romp I did in fact experience has been well documented in this blog and I wouldn’t have changed it for the world!)
b) returning, being so happy and relieved to be home on familiar soil, so looking forward to seeing newlover (Practising Letting Go) on my return – on Thursday 12th January 2017 to be precise. We had been messaging whilst I was away and things were fun between us. Maybe there was too much build up – the build up was even a bit longer than we had actually been seeing eachother initially. In any case, Thursday’s date did not leave me feeling great…it was great to see him again, and its tricky to explain but suffice it to say I ended up feeling pretty shitty.
It can be hard when this kind of thing is all you have – your freedom to travel, to take lovers at your whim etc. It can be so much fun, the best fun in the world – but when the joy of this lifestyle lets you down there is nothing else. Both experiences made me feel so alone, so unsupported, and free in a frightening sense of the word, with no roots, no purpose, no direction, no community and structure around me – nothing to tie myself to and no future I could see for myself. The experience that is the sum of these feelings, more than anything it seems, is one I cannot bear.
The obvious decision to me then was to have a child. And it is made easier (at this stage at least) by the fact that I don’t demand or expect to be in love with the person I have a child with. This is not in contrast to but completely consistent with (arguably the natural conclusion) of what I’ve been saying to date, the raison d’etre of my blog; that the big loving relationship of my life I was led to believe I would have has turned out to be nothing of the sort.
I am not particularly ambitious, I have had jobs and not really loved them. I love dancing, but grew bored of some of the narcissism and competitiveness. I still completely love dancing and there are some other wonderful dancers and amazing nights which I will always go to. But …its not enough. Its not a close enough community for me. Or it is but I’m don’t really want to be a part of that, it can be cliquey, fickle, unreliable.
What then is there in my life that I will really find rewarding? My conclusion at the moment is that the only thing this could possibly be for me must be a child. I think what I am looking for above anything else is a reliable source of love.
I had always thought I would have a child with the right man – that I would be so in love with someone and they with me, I would just want to bear their child and that if that didn’t happen, then the child wouldn’t happen. I suddenly, in one moment almost, saw it from a new perspective – from the other way around. I suddenly understood why someone would want to have a baby and understood that they would compromise on who they were having a baby with in order to make that happen. ‘It happens every day’ I realised – that the desire for a child was stronger than anything else, and that this person was good enough to have a baby with, it was the baby that was the most important thing.
I might be mad, I might change my mind but my plan for the time being is to find someone to have child with. Of course, there are others out there with similar thoughts – though perhaps arrived at via a different route. Speaking to a friend about this (so supportive, I have amazing friends), she and I were thinking of how to make it happen and I said,’There must be a website for this, there’s a website for everything!’ I click a couple of buttons and lo and behold….
At first I thought I could have a child with a male gay couple, then there would be 2 of them to look after me, and 3 of us to look after the child but then I thought – how lonely that would be, and what I really became scared of was imagining myself alone in bed and pregnant, with no one to comfort me when I felt sick or scared. And then when the child is just born and god knows what has happened to my body, and its crying all the time – I’m going to need someone there for that (at least a someone! My ideal would be to raise a child with lots of other women in a commune but I’m not sure there’s many of them in north London…).
My reasoning for finding someone to have a child with rather than waiting to fall in love first (apart from being the wrong side of 35!!) is also consistent with my life experience. That you in all likelihood wont end up with that person in the end anyway, that you almost need to sacrifice a relationship to have children together. So, I figure – why not just prevent the pain before it has even started and be just friends, or not madly in love (and ending up madly in hate?). Why not remove the burden of expectation from the start – what partner can provide what you really need fully and completely anyway? Of course there are wonderful relationships that work but as I’ve mentioned its just something I see much less of than relationships that don’t work – as in, its not the norm its the exception (so yes, if you are indeed one of the lucky few, be extra happy you are!). I suppose now I just feel so naive that I didn’t realise this sooner. Spending time with newlover I think how I would love to have children already, to have been through that and have so much to look forward to, to have done all that hard work and have already gone through the heartache of splitting up. But I hear about his heartbreak which he is still in, and I think he too has a long way to come. I’ve taken my journey first and arrived here, and I think for him, though thankfully he has the joy of his kids, he is only just finding the space to start his.
But then I think, Id at least want to fancy someone I had a child with, to like them, to get on with them….because that would be too much – a baby with someone you could just about stand the sight of. So I plan to be more picky than that – lets call it ‘medium picky’.
So, with this medium level of pickiness I’m planning, it may take a bit of time to find someone suitable. And if I don’t find someone suitable as I’d like, I may adjust my expectations – I don’t think for the moment though I will give up on my plan. My very wonderful supportive friend Janice said to me ‘you need to set your intentions by writing them down’ when I told her all my life plans. At the moment, here’s what would be at the centre;
There’s something else – I don’t earn enough really to have a baby so the other thing, peripheral but also pretty important in working towards my new life plan is;
New (better paid with good maternity policy) Job
In the meantime I plucked up the courage to message newlover who immediately apologised for something he said that night, and offered to visit me with a gift. This slightly lifted the urgency with which I am planning to become impregnated but I can’t rely on that to always be there, to always be good – and so currently, intention number 1 is still;