I took the blue pill…

The below post was written from the very insecure, depressed place of a comedown. I had taken a little something with newlover (the subject of Practising Letting Go), which was really really fun, but unfortunately in payment for this, the very next day my confidence and sense of personal safety decided to pack their bags and slip out post-haste via the back door, only to gradually begin their return on the third day (and Hallelujah for that). So that may explain the panicked, depressed tone of the post – and though I still feel there is some truth in it, (spoiler alert..) I’m not nearly as depressed about my prospects of securing love without the necessity of bearing my own children.

Also, I kind of like this post – it’s the insecure panicked part of me which – hey we’ve all got, right?! Got to learn to love that insecure baby in you like it’s your own child…

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Immediately after writing my last blog post (Practising Letting Go) something occurred to me – that if I can’t rely on a romantic relationship to give me the love I thought I would have access to, the love I need, then the only way to get this is to have children. That’s what people live for, isn’t it? The love they give and receive from their children that they can’t get from their partners?

Newlover had said to me, ‘kids – that’s what it’s all about’. He has 2 of his own and thinking about it afterwards* I was so incredibly jealous – that he’s done that, had them and done most of the work, they are a bit older now so he gets to enjoy them. He told me, they are lovely, but once they’re grown they aren’t yours anymore, they are just ‘more geezers’. But I couldn’t help feeling jealous anyway. Not just of him of course but of everyone that gets to enjoy this experience. I suppose my worry is that this love can’t be found anywhere else which no doubt parents will tell me is true. Although newlover did also say (genuinely, and which I was reassured by) that if you want something to give love and affection to you can have a dog – which is what I kind of thought anyway. But is that enough?? Well, in fact I did force myself out for a walk just now with Diesel the Dog and had a lovely time – I felt happy even in the midst of my comedown! It did occur to me how lovely it was, and (I feel bad saying this but…) nowhere near as hard work as having kids must be!! There’s no way you can compare the 2 of course, but what I do know from experience is that you can certainly get – and give – a hell of a lot of love from a little doggie!

But the other thing about having kids, for someone that doesn’t believe in long term romantic relationships (let alone even finding someone I would want to have kids with) is having to essentially sacrifice a relationship in order to do this. Because let’s face it, most relationships break down or one person is unhappy longer term after the stress & drudgery of raising children together**.

This is all precursored with the fact that to even contemplate this state of motherhood I would need a partner with whom to create said children. To date, no man has made me feel that I would be supported enough through the discomfort of pregnancy, the trauma of birth, the work I can only imagine (along with the joy of course) that goes into raising a child. In fact in my experience & understanding of others experiences it would likely default to me to manage this process; emotionally, practically – and if I was a bit unlucky, to manage it on behalf of my partner also. So in that light it’s not much of an appealing offer.

And even this is precursored with the fact that to find this person, or someone I thought vaguely suitable for this task of co-parenting, to whom I would then have to be bound for several years whether I liked it or not, I would have to give up my new found freedom which I have been enjoying so much. I would have to completely change tack from someone happy with my situation and almost floating through life on an exciting instinctive wave of self-confidence, to someone again looking for something that I’m not sure even exists – or certainly that isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.

Great. So my options are many. So I won’t be having kids. So I may not find someone who wants the same things as me, may always be at odds with what other prospective romantic partners want because – well let’s face it, I don’t even know what I want. And when I try to write it out, to understand it, it’s new and feels so different – what are the odds of finding someone who wants the same kind of thing (not knowing even if it will work?).

Uh.

But I do want love, I need that – and quite frankly right now I don’t know how I’m going to set my life up in order to get it***.

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*on a comedown…

**Please do correct me if I’m wrong – I’m not an expert on this! I just report my experience and what I see and hear around me. I genuinely want a conversation about this and to hear others experiences so do get in touch if you have experiences to share!

***And aren’t you sooo pleased you are on this delightfully positive journey with me?! :p Yup – there’s definately lows. But for a breather check out this high: Men, men, men, men, men (oh my!) (Censored)

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