Practising Letting Go

This wasn’t supposed to happen but I’ve met someone I like. I was supposed to carry on tindering forever, setting up maybe 2 or 3 lovers with whom I could have uncomplicated, satisfying sex and – well, that’s it.

But of course that was a naive thing to assume I could achieve given the vagaries of human emotion & attachment.

I have to say I thought I would end up liking someone one day but certainly didn’t think it would happen so soon on this journey.

It’s tricky as on one hand it kind of gets in the way of working out what it is I want, enjoying the slow process of finding out, of sleeping with people to whom I’m not attached and who I can let go of very or relatively easily. On the other hand, constantly looking for new, often unreliable lovers can get boring, tiresome and disappointing.  Also on the other hand, seeing someone I connect with in more than just a sexual way gives me more of an urgent impetus to find out exactly how it is I plan to conduct myself, what it is I want, what it is I can achieve (how much can I let go and in doing so (hopefully!) reap the rewards of being able to do this?), through this kind of connection – without becoming too connected, or not in the traditional sense anyway.

I think what I want – or at least what I want to try is this;

I end up (maybe not now but at some point) having someone who I call my partner, and he calls me his. Though we are not monogamous and we don’t live together. We don’t necessarily see eachother loads – obviously it will vary depending on circumstances and the person, but to distinguish it from other relationships I know of – the more traditional set up – maybe once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. I would like someone I know, like and fancy to go out with, go on country breaks with & take to the occasional wedding. I don’t really like the thought of them doing those things with someone else though they can sleep with other people if they want.

I most likely won’t have kids – but I would like children in my life somehow, so if they had their own that could work – BUT this probably adds huge complexity to the relationship. Though if someone did have kids it would be weird to essentially be their main partner and not have some kind of contact with their children. However, if they didn’t want this I could maybe find children elsewhere (nearby) to develop relationships with – my brother and sisters kids for example? (as yet, unborn!).

The challenge then is dealing with jealousy and this incredibly strong knee – jerk reaction to the idea of not having one partner who will make me feel safe, secure and completely loved & validated as a human being. Because even though I know that doesn’t exist, it’s a false romantic ideal that loses its power relatively quickly, when you like someone this reality seems so harsh and it seems to go against your every instinct to succumb to the seductive pull of romance.

However I was surprised that in a recent conversation with said lover (I have seen this guy 3 times so let’s get things in perspective here!!) I seemed to have two different reactions to our conversation about the fact we were seeing other people. He asked me if I minded he was seeing others and I said ‘No – well you’ve seen my profile!’ Then embarrassingly, because I was drunk and I like him I said ‘well maybe…’ though I’m really hoping I back tracked on that one (I’ve since managed to convince myself I did!). I asked him the same and he immediately said ‘God no, there’s no possession or jealousy here. No, I loved your profile – you should be shagging loads of people, you must have loads of men contacting you’. I’ll admit, my heart sank a bit in spite of myself – well, because I like him and I’m human and – I’m susceptible like anyone to the pull of romance and the sting of disappointment that he didn’t want me all to himself (but that’s also because I have sizeable ego – another thing to keep in check if non-monogamy is to be a success).

But then – and this is what surprised me, we both shared stories of the people we’d recently slept with. Actually, mine had been more recent, and his from after the first time we had met. He loved hearing that I had been with someone else, and weirdly, when he told me about the person he had been with – I really liked it. I found it exciting, actually it kind of turned me on. That surprised me, kind of delighted me, I found it didn’t detract from our experience of eachother, maybe even enhanced it. And I loved the honesty and freedom of it.

So I suppose I think this in terms of maintaining something open with someone I like;

If I can remind myself that the pull of the romantic ideal will always have a hold on me until I continue to practice reminding myself it doesn’t exist; it is in fact driven by a desire to have someone else make me feel validated as a human being, and instead focus on committing to establishing something new that works for me and longer term gets me more what I need & want. Reminding myself ‘I’m OK- with his approval and affection, I’m equally as OK without it’ and in doing so hopefully let go of the fear that I’m not, (which is what makes me so dependent on this validation);

If I can deal with jealousy in the same way – remembering it most likely comes from a place of insecurity with myself than anything else. That no one else can make me feel good about myself, whole and secure but me (and even then accept that I won’t always be able to but it will pass);

If I can not overthink it, take it lightly and in my stride as I do with many other things these days;

If, I can let them go then, in the words of my latest lover;

‘they will always come back’

Who know’s if I’m right or not? Only time will tell. Actually it fills me with a kind of dread which is so close to excitement as to be indistinguishable from it.

But I think I will give it a go. I imagine it to be a lifetime’s work resembling a roller-coaster. And this is certainly not the end of the story.

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