Sadness & Grief

I don’t want to underplay the sadness and grief that have been and still sometimes are involved in the break-up of my last relationship. The hardest thing was knowing he was supposed to have been my husband – that’s how I saw our future, and my world came crashing down one morning after holiday, where he started saying things to me – unbelievably hurtful and confusing things – about how awful the holiday had been for him and that it was my fault. It blew my world apart, because I realised suddenly I didn’t know this person – he wasn’t who I thought he had been. I spent a year trying to (a) come to terms with what he had said (both decipher it and deal with the cruelness of it) and (b) having similar incidences and trying with all the patience in the world to deal with the confusing and hurtful things he had said, confront them, work on and adjust myself, bring understanding and try to open up communication. But to no avail. I had to leave our cats which we had bought together – it broke my heart and still does – I have to continue to wear this ‘veil’ to protect myself from the sadness. It’s a thin veil, and I let the sadness in sometimes, when I need to – but I need it to protect me much of the time from constantly being sad. I also have somehow managed to find a way to ignore certain things and not think about them which (whatever your judgement on that as a coping mechanism) is helping me at the moment. There’s shutting the grief out completely, and then there’s letting in it in manageable chunks, which I hope is what I am doing.

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